It has threatened to storm all weekend here. The clouds are swirling in the sky with strong winds and just a heavy weight pressing down on us with all that pint up moisture waiting to rain down. Makes me feel restless. Bennett is sleeping in this morning probably because the sun is not shining into his bedroom like normal. Cullen is playing with his train set and an airplane. Me? I am just sitting here and contemplating the Gulf and how helpless I feel to help the situation in any way. It blows my mind that in the world of high technology something like this is happening. It seems there is no way to contain or stop the spilling of oil. The entire Gulf is in danger of losing whole eco-systems as well as economy. Can I say that we did not need this to happen right now? We did not. The news this morning spoke of the oil being taken with the Gulf Stream and hitting the tip of Florida and going beyond into the Atlantic. Do you think this will spur the movement on to get this thing contained? The government is listening to the oil company for how to handle the situation but that seems kind of backwards to me. Should we not have set some sort of guidance on what is acceptable in our territory? Ugg is all I have to say because again I feel overwhelmed by it all and am afraid I am going to lose my favorite place in the world to go.
Got to start getting ready for church with the boys and Matt. Church and then lunch with my parents and then Matt is taking the boys to Spain Park for some sort of thing with his parents. While they play I will lay an attack on our home to get it cleaned up and hopefully Matt can maintain it a bit better so that I am not running around all stressed out next weekend getting ready for our guests to Cullen's birthday party. He is turning 4 years old!!! Bennett is right behind him turning 3 years old in August. On a side note I started the bc pill this morning. Bottom line is I would freak out if I really got pregnant while Matt was still out of work. I hate this entire situation though. Just to be clear I am not a fan of a stay at home man. My house stays in a disaster mode because it is all he can do to maintain the mess and never to clean it. The sink is the refuge for his dirty dishes and the dishwasher remains loaded with clean dishes until I unload and reload it. Days, months, and almost a year of this now. Life is long and being miserable makes it seem like the time is standing still and that positive change will not happen.
Well I need to go to church and get some God. Maybe soak in more faith and strength from the one who created me.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
In Between
So after many discussions Matt and I decided to take the IUD out. First of all I was having not fun side effects from it and they were not getting better but worse with time. So Tuesday I had it removed. Do I want to get pregnant? Yes. Do I think now would be the right time? No. How can I responsibly try to get pregnant when Matt is still unemployed and we don't know when he will find a new job? If he was working we'd 100% be trying to conceive Baby III. Gosh I want this baby so badly. I dream of him or her and the longing in my heart is achingly strong. Weird to feel so strongly when I have two beautiful boys already but maybe that is why the feeling is so strong. I know exactly what I am wishing for now. I know the pros and cons and the joys of new life.
The questions now are if we are not going to actively try to conceive are we going to prevent and if so how? I am so sick of birth control methods that put hormones in my body. Makes me feel crazy and like I have no control over my body. I hate it. Matt is not a fan of taking charge of the birth control himself. That is how we got pregnant with Cullen. I was ready to be a mom and told Matt I was going to stop taking bc pills and if he was not ready then he needed to take other precautions. Three months later and we were pregnant with Cullen. The journey began and I loved every minute of it. Now Cullen is turning 4 on May 9th and Bennett will be 3 August 21st... I just see us being a large family full of love and chaos running around town to the kids events. It is the life I want. Money is not something I really care about outside of having enough to budget our life with but could we swing another? There is no way of knowing when Matt will get his job. Could we bet that he will be working by the time a due date arrived?
I am kind of afraid if I do nothing we will end up pregnant before I have figured out what I really want to do. Like get pregnant by default. Cullen came about by simply letting nature take its course and Bennett was created while I was taking the mini-pill and still nursing Cullen. Unless being in my 30's drastically alters my fertility we could get pregnant fairly easily once more. The other point to ponder (and I know this is probably so boring anyone who thought to read probably has stopped by this point) is what affects does Matt's blood pressure medication have on his fertility if any. I know certain medications can reduce sperm count. Don't know if his does but it could right?
The last reason why I hesitate to just throw caution to the wind is what will my parents say? Funny that here I am 31 years old and worried my parents will get mad at me for considering another child. They have made it clear that in their opinions two kids is totally enough for any family let alone us. They know I've always wanted three or four children and talk negatively about it. They are helping us with Cullen's tuition to preschool. Would they see it as a slap in the face to allow ourselves to get pregnant? I think so. But here is the thing of it all. I will forever regret not having more children if I do not. I don't know if I am able to have more and I don't know how long my time to be able to get pregnant will be. The women in my family tend to have female problems that cause them to stop being able to have babies in their mid-thirties. Basically in my mind I have around three years or so to try to get pregnant without complications arising. That is really not a long time when you have no idea how long it can take to conceive.
I should not care. I should just be happy and content with my two sons and my husband and just live my life. I wish I could let go of the desire to have another baby. I really do wish it was not so hard on my heart. It is hard though. Maybe I am simply selfish in my desires, I probably am, but they are real and tangible. I will probably just go ahead and start taking the pill on Sunday. If I can just wait until the fall then if I got pregnant I would not be due until Cullen was starting k5 and the whole 3 kids in daycare would not be an issue. I think that is the plan that maybe I can live with and my parents can deal with too. Matt loves me and wants more children too, obviously when we are both working this is a no brainer. So there you have it. We will wait a little longer and I will just have to have faith that in the end I do get to have another baby.
The questions now are if we are not going to actively try to conceive are we going to prevent and if so how? I am so sick of birth control methods that put hormones in my body. Makes me feel crazy and like I have no control over my body. I hate it. Matt is not a fan of taking charge of the birth control himself. That is how we got pregnant with Cullen. I was ready to be a mom and told Matt I was going to stop taking bc pills and if he was not ready then he needed to take other precautions. Three months later and we were pregnant with Cullen. The journey began and I loved every minute of it. Now Cullen is turning 4 on May 9th and Bennett will be 3 August 21st... I just see us being a large family full of love and chaos running around town to the kids events. It is the life I want. Money is not something I really care about outside of having enough to budget our life with but could we swing another? There is no way of knowing when Matt will get his job. Could we bet that he will be working by the time a due date arrived?
I am kind of afraid if I do nothing we will end up pregnant before I have figured out what I really want to do. Like get pregnant by default. Cullen came about by simply letting nature take its course and Bennett was created while I was taking the mini-pill and still nursing Cullen. Unless being in my 30's drastically alters my fertility we could get pregnant fairly easily once more. The other point to ponder (and I know this is probably so boring anyone who thought to read probably has stopped by this point) is what affects does Matt's blood pressure medication have on his fertility if any. I know certain medications can reduce sperm count. Don't know if his does but it could right?
The last reason why I hesitate to just throw caution to the wind is what will my parents say? Funny that here I am 31 years old and worried my parents will get mad at me for considering another child. They have made it clear that in their opinions two kids is totally enough for any family let alone us. They know I've always wanted three or four children and talk negatively about it. They are helping us with Cullen's tuition to preschool. Would they see it as a slap in the face to allow ourselves to get pregnant? I think so. But here is the thing of it all. I will forever regret not having more children if I do not. I don't know if I am able to have more and I don't know how long my time to be able to get pregnant will be. The women in my family tend to have female problems that cause them to stop being able to have babies in their mid-thirties. Basically in my mind I have around three years or so to try to get pregnant without complications arising. That is really not a long time when you have no idea how long it can take to conceive.
I should not care. I should just be happy and content with my two sons and my husband and just live my life. I wish I could let go of the desire to have another baby. I really do wish it was not so hard on my heart. It is hard though. Maybe I am simply selfish in my desires, I probably am, but they are real and tangible. I will probably just go ahead and start taking the pill on Sunday. If I can just wait until the fall then if I got pregnant I would not be due until Cullen was starting k5 and the whole 3 kids in daycare would not be an issue. I think that is the plan that maybe I can live with and my parents can deal with too. Matt loves me and wants more children too, obviously when we are both working this is a no brainer. So there you have it. We will wait a little longer and I will just have to have faith that in the end I do get to have another baby.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Night Out with the Bookies
So anytime we Bookies get together fun will ensue. The purpose of this get together was Tasha's birthday. We met up at Surin and just had a jolly good time. We actually closed down the restaurant... but I would like to point out that they closed early that night so it was like 9:30 pm. If you have never been to Surin either in Southside or 280 you are missing out of some great Thai food and yummy sushi. Love it! That is actually Matt and my favorite place to eat when we get to leave the boys behind. Times are changing for all these great gals.In the top picture Adrienne is on the right and Missy is on the left. Adrienne just got engaged and will be moving to Nashville once she is married this October. Missy is moving with her husband and daughter to Lubbock, Texas for a fellowship for her husband. In the bottom picture is Tasha to the left and me on the right. Tasha and her husband are moving to San Antonio, Texas for her husband's job. They are all part of our book club and many other of the members are moving too. Let me see, Aimee, Ann, Elliot, Missy, Tasha, and Adrienne are ALL leaving Birmingham. Most are going to places in Texas which given the size of the state doesn't mean they will be close to each other too.
So now that I have found a great group of girls to be friends with they are all leaving this area and I shall be alone again. I think I am going to take up traveling and taking vacations that lead me to cities where these gals reside. I take friendship seriously and don't want to lose any. Oh well. That is one reason I am going to stay on top of writing in my blog. If people who care want to know they can read my ramblings and get a moment of what it is like to be talking with me. We all know I like to talk and am pretty loud about it. But is that not part of what makes me me? Yup.
Drama
I am not sure what I think about this... When I got the mail after work there was a handwritten note inside my mailbox. My next door neighbor apparently is terrified of our little shih tzus both of which are puppies. We normally would take them out front to run around our yard with the boys. Jude is a whopping 6 pounds soaking wet and Daisy is maybe 3 pounds right now. The note was not nice and quite threatening. She state that if she saw the dogs without leashes she would call the police on us. (what?!!!) She then went to say that she had her old neighbor arrested for having his dog chase her daughter and that she still knew where the police station was. Call me crazy but I think this is extreme. She is scared of them barking too but they don't really bark all that often either. I am a bit puzzled by this. First the petty part of me wants to march over there and explain to her that it is a Federal offense to meddle with someone's mail. I have no way of knowing if she took a bill or something out of my box and that is why it is a crime to get into someone else's mail box. She could have come over to talk with us or left the note on the outside of the mailbox or taped to our front door. She did not even sign her name to the letter but left her address. Dur! So I being slightly ticked and feeling petty still looked up her name by doing a reverse search on whitepages.com and found her name and number. If I was a little less grown up I would have called her. I think I will just do nothing... well we are now trying to train our pups to go on a leash which is a good thing anyway. Just tiny little dogs don't really need walking and we do have the puppy door to the fenced side yard... Anyway silly neighbors thinking we have vicious attack shih tzus.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
April Update
Cullen said the cutest or sweetest thing to me last Friday. We were talking about a new teacher at his school and I asked him if he thought she was pretty. He said "A little pretty." That puzzled me so I asked, "Why a little?" His response, "She is not pretty like you are." Okay the moment of truth and I had to ask, "What does that mean Cullen?" He said," You are all pretty Mommy." Well there is my Mother's Day present early. He thinks I am all pretty and the cute girl in college that was subbing that day was a little pretty. Yay for little boys who think their Mommy's are pretty!
My playroom is now organized and the boys are enjoying using their toy bins. The room looks so nice and tidy everyday. Love it! Now if I could find a way to keep the laundry under control. I hate hate hate putting away the clothes and yet if I don't they just sit there. My beloved says he doesn't know where to put the clothes. Ignorance is the excuse for a million men across the world for helping out with household chores. Matt cooks so I will give him credit for that.
Ha! This is cool to me. I actually cut my own hair. It looks cute! I did not butcher myself and that is an accomplishment being that most hair dressers do screw up on my head... don't know why but they do. Anyway yay for taking my hair cutting skills to myself. I do cut the boys and Matt's hair but was always afraid to do my own. Well budgeting took the fear away and there you have it.
Let's see. I am back on Weight Watchers for the last week and a half and am doing a fair job on it. Takes a bit to get used to the journaling and counting and planning but now I feel good about it. Next step is to figure out when to work out and start sweating some weight off! Funny how I just ignored the slow creeping of weight until my clothes started to really hurt they were getting so tight. I think I just refused to really look at myself. Oh well this is life for me.
The boys keep getting bigger and I am so proud of them. Cullen and Bennett are both so smart and playful. Cullen gets shy at school sometimes but warms up pretty quickly. Bennett is ready to go back to school now too but we are waiting for the big job offer to finally hit before we do that. Just can't break the bank while living with one income. Anyway that is all for now. I will try to remember to blog at home so I can post some pictures here and there and look for a new blog do... get tired of the basic stuff that comes with the site.
My playroom is now organized and the boys are enjoying using their toy bins. The room looks so nice and tidy everyday. Love it! Now if I could find a way to keep the laundry under control. I hate hate hate putting away the clothes and yet if I don't they just sit there. My beloved says he doesn't know where to put the clothes. Ignorance is the excuse for a million men across the world for helping out with household chores. Matt cooks so I will give him credit for that.
Ha! This is cool to me. I actually cut my own hair. It looks cute! I did not butcher myself and that is an accomplishment being that most hair dressers do screw up on my head... don't know why but they do. Anyway yay for taking my hair cutting skills to myself. I do cut the boys and Matt's hair but was always afraid to do my own. Well budgeting took the fear away and there you have it.
Let's see. I am back on Weight Watchers for the last week and a half and am doing a fair job on it. Takes a bit to get used to the journaling and counting and planning but now I feel good about it. Next step is to figure out when to work out and start sweating some weight off! Funny how I just ignored the slow creeping of weight until my clothes started to really hurt they were getting so tight. I think I just refused to really look at myself. Oh well this is life for me.
The boys keep getting bigger and I am so proud of them. Cullen and Bennett are both so smart and playful. Cullen gets shy at school sometimes but warms up pretty quickly. Bennett is ready to go back to school now too but we are waiting for the big job offer to finally hit before we do that. Just can't break the bank while living with one income. Anyway that is all for now. I will try to remember to blog at home so I can post some pictures here and there and look for a new blog do... get tired of the basic stuff that comes with the site.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Fools Day
I was halfway to work this morning when I noticed I was wearing my shirt inside out. I had to "adjust" in the parking lot of Cullen's school. Bending down in between the car seats so I could not be seen I thought this is funny. Cullen paid no attention to his mommy disrobing either. Like this is normal. Ha!
I was running late this morning and opted to treat us to McDonald's. Coffee for me, chocolate milk for Cullen, a win-win situation. I decided to go with a nice chicken biscuit and got a plain one for Cullen. Off to work we went. I get here and think that maybe it is time to go back to WW land and start counting my points before I gain all the weight back that I worked so hard to lose. (sigh)
My breakfast knocked out 11 points. Well Hell. Fine time to start counting again right? So my glass of wine (or two) after dinner tonight will no longer be on the menu. I don't have the points left. What puzzles me the most about me is that I know if I count the dang points I will lose weight. If I don't, I won't. If I let loose but continue working out I can maintain but if I stop working out I gain. These all make perfect sense... so why do I give up on me or better yet self sabotage?
I know I am under a good deal of stress what with the single income family of four with the mortgage payment meant for a 2 person income... or one really nice income which I do not have. I also know that eating is a way to physically alter how I am feeling. Weird sounding but hear me out. When I eat the feeling of eating and becoming full replaces the feelings of stress and whatever else I am feeling. So apparently I am not in touch with my feelings but am totally in touch with my gut. Bleck.
I refuse to go to the book stores and start strolling down the self help aisle to pick up the latest version of, "Compulsive Eating No More!" I won't be ordering that off of Amazon.com either. I have no urge for my recommendations on the website to be all about over eating and self help dieting...
So without using any self help books or Oprah reruns I have decided to get my life in gear this Spring. I started with getting my home cleaned out and organized. I started with the playroom because well that is where the boys spend most of their time and it also is where the puppies area is as well. All sorts of ways to make a house yucky all in one place. First I ripped out the old carpet and that was quite enjoyable all in itself. I think it was therapy. I was thinking of doing a stain on the concrete but there were too many cracks and bright green paint in spots (don't ask). So I went with vinyl flooring. Those squares you peel the back off and put down. Really love the look of it to be honest especially for the cost. I will post a pick of it soon. We got some shelves and bins and voila! Our kids are actually picking up their toys. They like having a special bin just for the cars, another for the trains, tracks, etc...
So our home is clean, our laundry is under control. Hurrah! I really think how you keep your home is a direct expression of who you are. I want to be organized and warm. That is what I want to be. Now that my home is coming together and I am going to start tackling my yard I think I can start handling my eating once more... It is like I allowed the entire world to overwhelm me in all areas of my life and I am slowly taking it all back. I really do want to live a happy well balanced life and that means I have to make it happen. God gave me everything I need to make it happen and now I just have to do it. So if you are in my neighborhood feel free to drop by anytime, I am totally comfortable with you in my house. No shame! ha ha ha!!!
So to recap: Hello my name is Taylor and I am a crazed eating machine - BUT am in recovery - AND am learning to be organized and not overwhelmed but my household responsibilities. Can I hear a "Tawanda!"
I was running late this morning and opted to treat us to McDonald's. Coffee for me, chocolate milk for Cullen, a win-win situation. I decided to go with a nice chicken biscuit and got a plain one for Cullen. Off to work we went. I get here and think that maybe it is time to go back to WW land and start counting my points before I gain all the weight back that I worked so hard to lose. (sigh)
My breakfast knocked out 11 points. Well Hell. Fine time to start counting again right? So my glass of wine (or two) after dinner tonight will no longer be on the menu. I don't have the points left. What puzzles me the most about me is that I know if I count the dang points I will lose weight. If I don't, I won't. If I let loose but continue working out I can maintain but if I stop working out I gain. These all make perfect sense... so why do I give up on me or better yet self sabotage?
I know I am under a good deal of stress what with the single income family of four with the mortgage payment meant for a 2 person income... or one really nice income which I do not have. I also know that eating is a way to physically alter how I am feeling. Weird sounding but hear me out. When I eat the feeling of eating and becoming full replaces the feelings of stress and whatever else I am feeling. So apparently I am not in touch with my feelings but am totally in touch with my gut. Bleck.
I refuse to go to the book stores and start strolling down the self help aisle to pick up the latest version of, "Compulsive Eating No More!" I won't be ordering that off of Amazon.com either. I have no urge for my recommendations on the website to be all about over eating and self help dieting...
So without using any self help books or Oprah reruns I have decided to get my life in gear this Spring. I started with getting my home cleaned out and organized. I started with the playroom because well that is where the boys spend most of their time and it also is where the puppies area is as well. All sorts of ways to make a house yucky all in one place. First I ripped out the old carpet and that was quite enjoyable all in itself. I think it was therapy. I was thinking of doing a stain on the concrete but there were too many cracks and bright green paint in spots (don't ask). So I went with vinyl flooring. Those squares you peel the back off and put down. Really love the look of it to be honest especially for the cost. I will post a pick of it soon. We got some shelves and bins and voila! Our kids are actually picking up their toys. They like having a special bin just for the cars, another for the trains, tracks, etc...
So our home is clean, our laundry is under control. Hurrah! I really think how you keep your home is a direct expression of who you are. I want to be organized and warm. That is what I want to be. Now that my home is coming together and I am going to start tackling my yard I think I can start handling my eating once more... It is like I allowed the entire world to overwhelm me in all areas of my life and I am slowly taking it all back. I really do want to live a happy well balanced life and that means I have to make it happen. God gave me everything I need to make it happen and now I just have to do it. So if you are in my neighborhood feel free to drop by anytime, I am totally comfortable with you in my house. No shame! ha ha ha!!!
So to recap: Hello my name is Taylor and I am a crazed eating machine - BUT am in recovery - AND am learning to be organized and not overwhelmed but my household responsibilities. Can I hear a "Tawanda!"
Friday, March 5, 2010
Happiness
Cullen is back in the swing of things with school. He started at Bright Horizons this past Monday and is loving it for the most part. There are of course moments where he thinks it would be more fun to stay home with his Daddy and Bennett but he seems content to play with his new friends. I hope he is able to push through this new found shyness of his too. I was shy at that age. Painfully shy actually. I would hate for my children to feel that way!
But this is life and they are their own people that I am lucky they are my sons. Bennett wanted to go to school this morning too with us. I really hope Matt finds a job soon and they can both get settled back into the routine of school life. I find I am more on top of things when I have to take the boys to school. Their clothes are planned out and I would just die if they left the house dirty or with their hair out of place. When they are home with Matt those things are not really in my control and the boys tend to hang out in whatever Matt grabs which usually consists of t-shirts and sweatpants. This is fine for around the house I guess but I like the boys to be dressed and cute... a perk of motherhood I guess.
This is going to be a BEAUTIFUL weekend and I cannot wait to get out in it! Sunshine and playing outside with the boys is exactly what I need. Mother Nature seriously owes us some great weather and I am glad pay back is taking place on the weekend. I have no problem if the weather is crappy Monday through Friday as I am stuck here in my little cubicle with no sight of the outside world.
My best friend Erin got married last weekend and now my other best friend/cousin is engaged! This is simply a great time in life. People are getting married and friends are having babies... this is what life is about to me. Yay for love and family! Ok must "work" now.
But this is life and they are their own people that I am lucky they are my sons. Bennett wanted to go to school this morning too with us. I really hope Matt finds a job soon and they can both get settled back into the routine of school life. I find I am more on top of things when I have to take the boys to school. Their clothes are planned out and I would just die if they left the house dirty or with their hair out of place. When they are home with Matt those things are not really in my control and the boys tend to hang out in whatever Matt grabs which usually consists of t-shirts and sweatpants. This is fine for around the house I guess but I like the boys to be dressed and cute... a perk of motherhood I guess.
This is going to be a BEAUTIFUL weekend and I cannot wait to get out in it! Sunshine and playing outside with the boys is exactly what I need. Mother Nature seriously owes us some great weather and I am glad pay back is taking place on the weekend. I have no problem if the weather is crappy Monday through Friday as I am stuck here in my little cubicle with no sight of the outside world.
My best friend Erin got married last weekend and now my other best friend/cousin is engaged! This is simply a great time in life. People are getting married and friends are having babies... this is what life is about to me. Yay for love and family! Ok must "work" now.
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