In the Heart of Darkness

We are days from Christmas here and my children are on cloud 9 of glee to see what Santa has brought. I find myself in a place of devastation unlike I have experienced before. It is rooted in fear and betrayal. I want to say I love my children's daycare and am so thankful they go there. I feel they are as protected from evil as they can be out side our home. However sometimes evil finds a way into places it does not belong and we cannot see it because it lies beneath the surface.

Good verses bad.

I was notified on Saturday December 18th that my son's teacher was being detained by the FBI on charges having to do with child pornography, soliciting a minor with sexual intent, and the exploitation of a minor for sexual content. Come to find out he was on a YouTube account with another man from Georgia They were playing the part of an 11 year old girl and trying to get this boy out in Colorado to send them elicit sexual photos of himself... which he did. The boy is 10. The little boy's mother checked his account and immediately contacted the police. I have to wonder at the horror the mother must have felt when she saw the photos her son had taken of himself and sent off to this unknown person on the Internet. How must she felt when she saw that a stranger was talking her son into doing these things. Obviously she knew it really wasn't an 11 year old girl... what child that age send nude photos of herself?

Mr Shane was a great teacher and I loved having him as my son's. He was dependable and I talked with him daily. He was friendly and good with the children. I never thought anything negative about him at all. I was glad to have a male influence on my son in the classroom setting. He worked for the center for the last 5 years. He had an almost perfect file with them. The school did all the background checks imaginable and he had a perfect record. He was a Sunday school teacher up until December 16th. You know if they pulled another background check on him last Friday it still would have come up clean...

As of yesterday official charges have been filed in Colorado. The FBI state they have no reason to investigate further into his life at the day care. He has actually admitted to conspiring to have this minor take and send pornographic photos of himself and send them to this Internet account. The other man arrested was on parole for another sex crime in Georgia.

I have come so very close to the worst situation a parent can find themselves in. There was a predator in my child's daily life but he did not prey on boys as young as my son. I don't know how it works. I don't get the mentality. I do understand that this is a sickness to be attracted to young children. I grasp that. But he chose to make a career out of teaching 4 year old! Did he get off on it? Was it food for his illness? This hurts this makes me sick... I am going through the signs of grief I think.

I initially felt so sorry for him being all sick and now having his whole life ruined by the choices he has made. My mind goes a million different directions and the thing that makes me pause the longest is the cold fear that I had absolutely no clue that there was something wrong with him. The majority of sexual abuse is actually done by females which makes sense being that most primary care givers of children are female...

I am still having such a hard time putting my mind around the fact that "Mr Shane" purposefully led this young boy into doing these things... He played a part in taking away that boy's innocence. He was the predator. He lied and manipulated a child. He is a predator and I have to come to grips with that.

We feel that Cullen and the other kids at school were not hurt in any way. There are worries about photos being taken because if you are going around looking for kiddy porn it might be worth something in trade value. I don't know. I just don't know. He went to college to be a child educator.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to feel about all this. The school has been wonderful making sure to disclose everything that they know. They are filled with the same guilt we feel for not seeing this in Shane. Good verses Bad Guys. Cullen stated that bad guys are strangers and my heart broke because that is not the case for us. We knew and loved a bad guy and he was definitely not a stranger.

I cannot make sense of why he did what he did. I feel people get online and think that what they are doing and what is happening is not real and that no one is really getting hurt. Well surprise Shane, you really were talking to a child and his mom really did call the police who contacted the FBI who then pulled ALL the activity you did online for your fantasy world. You have ruined your life and have irrevocably hurt a child. I am so thankful to the mother who reported it all and to the FBI who worked so quickly and made that courtesy call to the day care to let them know he was being detained and for what crimes...

So my child is fine. Cullen has no clue that Mr Shane had unhealthy feelings about young boys. Why did he work with kids? Was he compartmentalizing his life so that the one area did not overlap the other? What I wish I knew was whether he was just the best damn liar I have ever met or was he this guy with good intent at heart that allowed his sickness to ruin his life. Did he think he could be good for these kids at school all the while having these desires??? I am so lost on this one and so shaken.

Just think on how close all the little boys in my son's room and all the boys in the rooms before came to a predator. Because while I am still feeling that he has a sickness and that he did not hurt my son make no mistake that he is a predator. My blood runs cold at the thought of the FBI finding photos of my son on his home computer which they have found child pornography on which he admitted they would find. How do parents survive finding out someone hurt their baby like that? How do you survive the interviews with the police and FBI. How do you get through the guilt? We were the lucky ones which blows my mind.

I feel as though I just found out that Santa Clause is not real and worse that the boogie man is! So when my son made that innocently sweet and wrong comment that the bad guys are all strangers I had to say no Cullen they are not all strangers. Bad guys are just people who choose to do bad things when they know they are wrong. Good guys choose to do the right things even if they don't want to. There is no black and white on this one. I am angry and scared. Because this guy was caught. How many others are there out there just waiting to take advantage of a moment in my son's life?

I think what could I have done differently? You know I did it all right. I communicated actively with both teachers. I talked with my son about his days and we talked randomly about privates and personal spaces. I have told my son over and over again that no matter what he does I will always love him... because he asks that... He asks if I do something bad will you still love me. YES I tell him. Now things like that make me worry. But I know my son and there have not been any personality changes since he started that class. Lets be real there weren't many opportunities at school to make that kind of relationship with the child. They don't do it once ... they build on it and make it normal to the kid... I worry more for his activities with his church kids. God I hope there are no more victims.