In the Heart of Darkness

We are days from Christmas here and my children are on cloud 9 of glee to see what Santa has brought. I find myself in a place of devastation unlike I have experienced before. It is rooted in fear and betrayal. I want to say I love my children's daycare and am so thankful they go there. I feel they are as protected from evil as they can be out side our home. However sometimes evil finds a way into places it does not belong and we cannot see it because it lies beneath the surface.

Good verses bad.

I was notified on Saturday December 18th that my son's teacher was being detained by the FBI on charges having to do with child pornography, soliciting a minor with sexual intent, and the exploitation of a minor for sexual content. Come to find out he was on a YouTube account with another man from Georgia They were playing the part of an 11 year old girl and trying to get this boy out in Colorado to send them elicit sexual photos of himself... which he did. The boy is 10. The little boy's mother checked his account and immediately contacted the police. I have to wonder at the horror the mother must have felt when she saw the photos her son had taken of himself and sent off to this unknown person on the Internet. How must she felt when she saw that a stranger was talking her son into doing these things. Obviously she knew it really wasn't an 11 year old girl... what child that age send nude photos of herself?

Mr Shane was a great teacher and I loved having him as my son's. He was dependable and I talked with him daily. He was friendly and good with the children. I never thought anything negative about him at all. I was glad to have a male influence on my son in the classroom setting. He worked for the center for the last 5 years. He had an almost perfect file with them. The school did all the background checks imaginable and he had a perfect record. He was a Sunday school teacher up until December 16th. You know if they pulled another background check on him last Friday it still would have come up clean...

As of yesterday official charges have been filed in Colorado. The FBI state they have no reason to investigate further into his life at the day care. He has actually admitted to conspiring to have this minor take and send pornographic photos of himself and send them to this Internet account. The other man arrested was on parole for another sex crime in Georgia.

I have come so very close to the worst situation a parent can find themselves in. There was a predator in my child's daily life but he did not prey on boys as young as my son. I don't know how it works. I don't get the mentality. I do understand that this is a sickness to be attracted to young children. I grasp that. But he chose to make a career out of teaching 4 year old! Did he get off on it? Was it food for his illness? This hurts this makes me sick... I am going through the signs of grief I think.

I initially felt so sorry for him being all sick and now having his whole life ruined by the choices he has made. My mind goes a million different directions and the thing that makes me pause the longest is the cold fear that I had absolutely no clue that there was something wrong with him. The majority of sexual abuse is actually done by females which makes sense being that most primary care givers of children are female...

I am still having such a hard time putting my mind around the fact that "Mr Shane" purposefully led this young boy into doing these things... He played a part in taking away that boy's innocence. He was the predator. He lied and manipulated a child. He is a predator and I have to come to grips with that.

We feel that Cullen and the other kids at school were not hurt in any way. There are worries about photos being taken because if you are going around looking for kiddy porn it might be worth something in trade value. I don't know. I just don't know. He went to college to be a child educator.

I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to feel about all this. The school has been wonderful making sure to disclose everything that they know. They are filled with the same guilt we feel for not seeing this in Shane. Good verses Bad Guys. Cullen stated that bad guys are strangers and my heart broke because that is not the case for us. We knew and loved a bad guy and he was definitely not a stranger.

I cannot make sense of why he did what he did. I feel people get online and think that what they are doing and what is happening is not real and that no one is really getting hurt. Well surprise Shane, you really were talking to a child and his mom really did call the police who contacted the FBI who then pulled ALL the activity you did online for your fantasy world. You have ruined your life and have irrevocably hurt a child. I am so thankful to the mother who reported it all and to the FBI who worked so quickly and made that courtesy call to the day care to let them know he was being detained and for what crimes...

So my child is fine. Cullen has no clue that Mr Shane had unhealthy feelings about young boys. Why did he work with kids? Was he compartmentalizing his life so that the one area did not overlap the other? What I wish I knew was whether he was just the best damn liar I have ever met or was he this guy with good intent at heart that allowed his sickness to ruin his life. Did he think he could be good for these kids at school all the while having these desires??? I am so lost on this one and so shaken.

Just think on how close all the little boys in my son's room and all the boys in the rooms before came to a predator. Because while I am still feeling that he has a sickness and that he did not hurt my son make no mistake that he is a predator. My blood runs cold at the thought of the FBI finding photos of my son on his home computer which they have found child pornography on which he admitted they would find. How do parents survive finding out someone hurt their baby like that? How do you survive the interviews with the police and FBI. How do you get through the guilt? We were the lucky ones which blows my mind.

I feel as though I just found out that Santa Clause is not real and worse that the boogie man is! So when my son made that innocently sweet and wrong comment that the bad guys are all strangers I had to say no Cullen they are not all strangers. Bad guys are just people who choose to do bad things when they know they are wrong. Good guys choose to do the right things even if they don't want to. There is no black and white on this one. I am angry and scared. Because this guy was caught. How many others are there out there just waiting to take advantage of a moment in my son's life?

I think what could I have done differently? You know I did it all right. I communicated actively with both teachers. I talked with my son about his days and we talked randomly about privates and personal spaces. I have told my son over and over again that no matter what he does I will always love him... because he asks that... He asks if I do something bad will you still love me. YES I tell him. Now things like that make me worry. But I know my son and there have not been any personality changes since he started that class. Lets be real there weren't many opportunities at school to make that kind of relationship with the child. They don't do it once ... they build on it and make it normal to the kid... I worry more for his activities with his church kids. God I hope there are no more victims.

Adrienne's Wedding

49/84

I am on day 49 until Adrienne's wedding and 84 days until the race. I have stuck with my diet and have lost 3.4 pounds as of yesterday. I think the fact that I have had some wine here and there is the factor slowing my progress down and I have to eliminate that. I know that the diet is not exactly what I will do for life but for the next 49 days it is the way of life for me. I can handle it for this time frame too. I just have to stay focused and continue training... 3.4 pounds in the first 10 days isn't bad at all. It is progress. Now that my body is accustomed to the low carbohydrate intake, working out should not be as taxing.

I believe in order to make the progress I want to; I need to do 1hour of cardio training daily. For now I am striving to at least run a mile a day but with the goal of increasing my endurance so that by race day I can run continuously for the entire 1/2 marathon. So build up to running the entire hour and then on Saturdays just keep adding more time to it. On the other days stick with the hour just work on how many miles you can do in that time frame.

The more weight I lose the less trauma my  body will feel from running. You don't see many people on the track my size trying to run... NO

I know I can do this and I really am thrilled that I have finally figured out a method I can stick with. Do a count down with the promise that you can evaluate at that time what you want to do from there. I am going to be okay. I will run the St Jude's marathon and I will get my dang medal.

Bennett is Three!

So time flies. Here we are Labor Day weekend and I am getting around to my blog. In my defense typing on our home computer is really frustrating ever since the boys took all the keys off. I was able to get most back on but typing with some are very difficult. Oh well. I am proud of Bennett's transformers cake. I broke a sweat trying to get it just right for him. He was happy. Since then if you ask Bennett how he is doing he simply raises his hands and shows you that he is three!
Cullen's first soccer game will be next weekend and for the next 12 weeks or so you will find us at the soccer fields every Saturday morning. He has no clue what is going on and we are enjoying watching him have fun with his new friends.
My work is crazy busy right now from the time I get there to the second I sign off I am on a call talking. This is very exhausting having no breaks and I am hoping things will calm down sooner than later. 10 of us have been picked to do a new pilot call group @ work. I will be cross-trained to take all incoming calls and we will be sort of the hub to help equalize all the different areas and keep the level of productivity at an even kill. My one hope is that this prepares me for future promotions. Any position in my department above me will want someone who has experience in all the call areas... this makes me very knowledgeable on all the different types of policies and that is a good thing for becoming a team leader and one day a manager. Dare to dream!
Matt is still one of the many not being able to find a job currently. He has a few good possibilities currently and hopefully soon someone will offer him a position. I am ready for a double income lifestyle where we can take a breather from the bills.
Life is really good for the most part and I am starting to look at things differently. Like in the next 5 years regardless of Matt's job situation we will be way better off with my income and our bills. Our home will have that insurance thing drop off in 2 1/2 years. My car will be paid off around that time too. I will be making more money at work yearly just by doing what I am doing now. Between the car loan and that insurance you have to have for the first 5 years of owning a home until you have 20% vested in it... that will be almost $600 a month less we will have to pay right there! Other bills and loans will be gone by then as well. So if we can just keep on trucking time is simply going to take care of some of my current stress!
I will say that I seriously doubt you will be able to get me out of this home until we are able to put at least 20% down on our next home... and I really don't want to move until the boys are in high school or so. This house fits us will plenty of room for growing if we need it.
So I am thankful this morning because I know now that all we need is time to get to a better place in life and I have faith God will be with us the whole way. My faith in God and mathematics says it is a no brainer.

Soccer Mom Me

Ok. Seriously proud mom here with nothing to say but how much did my heart swell watching my son tonight during the soccer evaluation session. SO PROUD! He was proud too and after each drill he would crane his head looking for us and once found give us the biggest smile ever. I would walk through fire to give me son this kind of happiness. Cannot wait to see how training goes and then the actual games! I just want my baby to build confidence and feel positive about teamwork... that is really the bottom line is learning how to work with others and have pride and fun doing so. : ) Go CULLEN!

Strange Dream

Ok. So right before I woke up this morning I had an odd dream. I was on a plane going to an unknown location and the flight attendants were advertising that they did wedding receptions right there on the plane... I guess for destination weddings... unknown really. Anyway they had a table set up with all sort of neat foods, Hawaiian based it appeared, and were serving the guests. Turns out a wedding was taking place or was going to be taking place but many guests did not show up... at this point I think we were now in a reception hall place at a hotel or something. People were eating and mingling when the flight attendants mentioned that it cost $27.50 for a plate and we were all going to be charged. I think they had croissants, fruit tray, some sort of ham, etc. Everyone freaks out because we thought it was free or being paid by the groom and bride that was to be but many is no more... That is when all the food started going bad. Someone yelled that there were maggots in her food and another started to throw up. I was sipping coffee and started noticing that the cream had turned all lumpy in my cup. Bleck. And then I woke up.

I have no idea what that meant and why I would dream it but I will say that I checked the milk before putting it in my coffee this morning!

Vacation 2010

Gulf Shores, Alabama June 14th 2010

The brown sand is the oil. We weren't able to get into the water but we did enjoy being able to be there and played in the pool. Trips with your children are fairly exhausting and wonderful just the same. Cullen was way more comfortable in the water this time around and Bennett kept on being Mr. Cool floating around with his floaters on. Cullen discovered swimming with his head under the water and really started to excel. We got him some goggles that he loved too. I hope we are able to take the boys swimming every weekend in local pools so they stay comfortable in the water. One day I hope we have our own pool... dare to dream!

Fabulous Weekend Ahead!

I love long weekends. I have hopes to get some projects around the house done and do a bunch of family outings. Today we are heading to the McWane Center with my parents coming along. I really want them to see how much the boys enjoy it there. Mom and Dad gave us a year membership and it has been awesome. My parents live in the same town just down the road a bit. We still don't see them all that often. My parents are people with serious schedules. Mom is a teacher and has a million commitments and Daddy is a preacher with a church to tend to and he is also very involved in a children outreach program here in Alabaster. Needless to say they don't just pop in from time to time. At times it can hurt my feelings when I compare it to the way Matt's parents are always wanting to see the boys and keep them. Then I have to remember that my parents are very independent people and really just unique. They are also more on the side on introverted than extroverted so I don't get daily/weekly/monthly calls from them checking in with me. If I want to talk with them I have to call them. This is just who they are but at times in my life it has hurt my feelings. Not much you can do about it though. I have chosen to live close to them for this reason and I take my family to Daddy's church as well so that the boys are able to spend time regularly with them.

Monday I am having some friends over for a cookout and am really thrilled about it. Time to get as much hanging out with the gals and their guys before many  of them move off to various places, mostly in Texas. What I have learned from them is that friends are important and you need to put yourself out there to make friendships even if you feel insecure. You know you need to push yourself sometimes in order to get what you want in life. These gals are beautiful smart women with such drive! I am so proud to call them friends and now that many are moving off I am just going to have to open up an account to put money in for the Bookies Adventures.

Sigh. It is storming outside and after two cups of coffee I am feeling the urge to curl up in bed once more. Bennett is on the couch watching Dinosaur Train while Cullen and Matt are still sleeping. Well after a morning at the McWane Center and then lunch I am sure the boys will be ready for a good nap and maybe I will be able to indulge in one with them. They have started a Sunday School class at Shiloh for the children and Matt and I are going to try to teach it I think.We have our two sons in it and it will help us become involved more. I want us to linked in and belong. I think we will go ahead and join the church sometime soon. I wonder what will happen once Daddy really does retire but I don't know when that will happen and if we find that once he leaves the church has lost its appeal well we will start looking elsewhere. For now it is a great church for us to go to where we feel welcome and not judged. That is important to me as we struggle these days to find our footing.

I am so lucky in so many areas. I have two beautiful boys who are smart and fun and just as sweet as can be. I have a husband that I have been with for 10 years now. I have a home that is really growing on me and it fits our family's needs perfectly. We found a church family to belong to and Cullen has settled in to his school, Bright Horizons. I have great friends and a good family. My job is fairly secure for now and the only thing I expect to happen is for me to start moving upward within the company. I am smart and hard working and that counts for something where I work. I have my 2 cute shih tzus and will probably allow them to start breeding this next year as well. If we make a profit off the sell of their puppies we will go ahead and buy another one. Just a small time breeding thing that maybe if Matt cannot find a job he can manage this and that can supplement our income with some other odds and ins. My hope is Matt goes back to school and finds something he is good at and gets a degree in and can enjoy working for the rest of his working years. If I had the time or money I would go back to school and get my law degree. I always wanted it but wanted a family first. Well now I have the family and all I want is to be able to support them without worry. I think I might study up on the LSAT and just take it and then just apply to Cumberland and see what happens. The worst case scenario is that I am not accepted and if that happens well I can finally scratch that off my daydream list.

Biggest daydream currently you might ask... To find a check for a million dollars in my mailbox from some sympathetic relative who is loaded (I don't have this relative but in a daydream does it really matter?) Do you know what I would do? I would simply pay off all our debt including our home. Make all necessary repairs to our home and cars and then put the remaining balance in an annuity. I would continue working and simply enjoy life within our means and never know debt again. That is my dream and even without a benevolent benefactor I am going to work hard to where that is the life I have. Tawanda.

At the Age of 31

I am tickled because I have been around for 31 years and am just now figuring out a few things. Ok they are not life and death and I certainly lived quite well without these discoveries BUT I am none the less tickled pink to know them now. First off I have discovered my  hair looks cute with its natural curl when I do not rinse out my conditioner. It is the only product that leaves my hair looking shiny and soft  while still having my natural curl. How cool is that? I just took my hair dryer with the diffuser and dried it allowing my big loopy curls to stay and not be straightened. The conditioner is a perfect thing to keep the frizz at bay. My hair is fun today and that makes me happy. I am going to do this more often I think.

I learned this trick at the gym one morning while taking my shower. I did not have time to blow it out straight and had not brought any product for keeping it curly without the frizz. It worked great that day and now I have upped the notch by trying to blow it out keeping the curls using the same method of leaving in the conditioner. I hate when you use that stuff that keeps the curls but makes your hair stiff. Yuck. Not for me.

Okay the second thing I am so happy about is that while I am going through this period of financial something or another I have had to stop going to the salon to get my hair cut and colored. I am happy to announce I do a good haircut on myself which I never tried to do until recently. Apparently I have natural talent and maybe slaving at a 4 year college was not the right choice for me... Too late now that I have the degree and the job that has absolutely nothing to do with it. But I digress... I put in layers and trimmed the ends helping my hair look healthier and bouncier which is a good thing. The other issue was hair color.

If you've known me pre-babies at least you know that I have naturally black hair. I say this with the disclaimer that it has always been as dark as a Caucasians hair can be. In pictures growing up you can see blue highlights even and in the sun I also would have this blaze of auburn highlights too. I loved that fire underneath color in my hair. When I had to make the choice to start coloring it to cover up the grey hair the salon worked hard to mix the right colors to keep my hair from becoming one dimensional and flat black. I hate that more than anything else. Well jump up to when I could no longer fork over the $$$ to have my hair colored. I had to get my color from a box at the drug store. Oh the pity party I had!

If you too have to cover your grey hair I have found that the best product for me is Nice & Easy. This product leaves my hair feeling the best. I tried them all and I promise if you worry about the texture of your hair Nice & Easy leaves it feeling soft and silky when you used the conditioner that comes with the box. Love that stuff. Ok here is the issue. I don't like the natural black color because while it looks fine it is too solid and really still a shade darker than what I like. I tried the darkest brown and that was not dark enough. The woos! So I had this genius moment of thinking back to the day when my hair dresser did my hair. She did #2 with a shot of #3 of the Paul Mitchell hair color. Well I loved that stuff and the color always gave me just the right shade to keep me happy. I thought why not buy two boxes one of each shade and mix until you are happy with the result? Aha!

So I went with the dark brown and the put a squirt of the black in it and voila! my hair color woes were corrected. I have the dark hair but with multi-dimensional highlights that keep me feeling good. I seriously doubt that one person in the world other than me would EVER notice this but I feel so much better about the color I am doing on my roots. Oh and I am using a brush and bowl like the salon and I feel oh so nifty. The coverage is great and while I know that the ends are going to stay darker my hair will start looking more natural to my eyes over the next year as it grows and I cut and so on. It really is the little things in life that can make us happy!

Cullen's New Do

Not the best picture but you can see the lack of hair. Cullen's pretty brown hair is nice and short for the fun summer ahead. I was having a hard time keeping his bangs trimmed and getting the sides of his head even as he is not a fan of hair cuts. So doing something shorter is way easier and he is getting to be a big boy! He loves it but the best thing about hair is that it grows so nothing done is ever permanent.  : )

Boy do I love this little boy and his brother! They are at great ages and are so much fun to be with. So far we have not really come to a bad age with Cullen to be honest. Bennett gets better with age as he had a hard time that first year of life. Cullen is a little negotiator. If he is not pleased with the plans he gets his eyes really wide and gives you alternatives more to his liking. He closes his arguement by saying, deal? Ha ha. So funny.

Well bottom line is Cullen is a really good looking little boy with and without his pretty brown hair so I think we all will be okay with this new summer do. I know it will be way easier in the mornings for sure! No more bedhead to deal with. Hooray for summer fun!

Happy Birthday Cullen!

The party(s) were great and the cupcakes and cake were good enough to eat! Cullen loves his new toys and can't wait for everyone to come over again today to celebrate his birthday one more time. Hee hee, he now thinks everyone gets a birthday weekend and not one day now. Today is Mother's Day and I bounced out of the bed this morning eager to sip on a cup of coffee, download and then upload the party photos and just enjoy the morning. So that is what I did. The boys are happily playing with the new toys and Matt is sleeping in. Last year I would be angry about that but this year I am with the ones that made me a Mommy so how is that not perfect? Got to run around and get ready for church now. All is well in the world of the Morrison Family. God has given me what I dreamed about my entire life, a family of my very own...

Life of Cullen

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

My personal favorite margarita recipe is the following:
1/2 oz Grand Marnier
1/2 oz Cointreau
1 1/2 oz Tequila, pick your personal favorite
2 1/2 oz of Sweet and Sour Mix
1 oz Lime Juice

Prepare to relax and get silly. I say pick your favorite because I have had to do different types depending on my budget and don't really have a favorite I swear by. Now on a budget you can substitute the Grand Marnier with Grand Gala (cheaper) but note it has a lower alcohol % and won't kick you like the original will.

I found this recipe back in my days of staying home with the boys prior to moving back to Birmingham. Matt was out of town for a solid 3 months of the 5 month period I was out of work. I took to making these bad boys after the boys' bath time to unwind from full time mommy duty. Lovely relaxation. Those were the days. Running around and playing with the boys, doing home repairs and just being peaceful.I did not miss working one bit. I needed the break and loved being a full time mom. Now I love getting out of  the house now and love my book club too. But at the time it was great to share some of the boys baby time at home.

9 years ago today Matt finally sucked it up and confessed that he was really and truly in love with me. We committed and have been together ever since. We'd known each other for just over a year when this finally happened and I was already his roommate too. We just took the long way around to making us a real couple and I am so glad that those days of being unsure and insecure are over.

Cullen is going to be four years old on Sunday, Mother's Day this year. How cool to have my oldest son's birthday fall like that. I cannot believe that this time four years ago I was waddling around my neighborhood trying to bring labor on. I even went to the point of taking nasty Castor oil. Lots of cramping and bathroom time, but no labor. Oh the joys of pregnancy and motherhood. I would do it again tomorrow! Obviously that won' t be necessary but still.

May Days

It has threatened to storm all weekend here. The clouds are swirling in the sky with strong winds and just a heavy weight pressing down on us with all that pint up moisture waiting to rain down. Makes me feel restless. Bennett is sleeping in this morning probably because the sun is not shining into his bedroom like normal. Cullen is playing with his train set and an airplane. Me? I am just sitting here and contemplating the Gulf and how helpless I feel to help the situation in any way. It blows my mind that in the world of high technology something like this is happening. It  seems there is no way to contain or stop the spilling of oil. The entire Gulf is in danger of losing whole eco-systems as well as economy. Can I say that we did not need this to happen right now? We did not. The news this morning spoke of the oil being taken with the Gulf Stream and hitting the tip of Florida and going beyond into the Atlantic. Do you think this will spur the movement on to get this thing contained? The government is listening to the oil company for how to handle the situation but that seems kind of backwards to me. Should we not have set some sort of guidance on what is acceptable in our territory? Ugg is all I have to say because again I feel overwhelmed by it all and am afraid I am going to lose my favorite place in the world to go.

Got to start getting ready for church with the boys and Matt. Church and then lunch with my parents and then Matt is taking the boys to Spain Park for some sort of thing with his parents. While they play I will lay an attack on our home to get it cleaned up and hopefully Matt can maintain it a bit better so that I am not running around all stressed out next weekend getting ready for our guests to Cullen's birthday party. He is turning 4 years old!!! Bennett is right behind him turning 3 years old in August. On a side note I started the bc pill this morning. Bottom line is I would freak out if I really got pregnant while Matt was still out of work. I hate this entire situation though. Just to be clear I am not a fan of a stay at home man. My house stays in a disaster mode because it is all he can do to maintain the mess and never to clean it. The sink is the refuge for his dirty dishes and the dishwasher remains loaded with clean dishes until I unload and reload it. Days, months, and almost a year of this now. Life is long and being miserable makes it seem like the time is standing still and that positive change will not happen.

Well I need to go to church and get some God. Maybe soak in more faith and strength from the one who created me.

In Between

So after many discussions Matt and I decided to take the IUD out. First of all I was having not fun side effects from it and they were not getting better but worse with time. So Tuesday I had it removed. Do I want to get pregnant? Yes. Do I think now would be the right time? No. How can I responsibly try to get pregnant when Matt is still unemployed and we don't know when he will find a new job? If he was working we'd 100% be trying to conceive Baby III. Gosh I want this baby so badly. I dream of him or her and the longing in my heart is achingly strong. Weird to feel so strongly when I have two beautiful boys already but maybe that is why the feeling is so strong. I know exactly what I am wishing for now. I know the pros and cons and the joys of new life.
The questions now are if we are not going to actively try to conceive are we going to prevent and if so how? I am so sick of birth control methods that put hormones in my body. Makes me feel crazy and like I have no control over my body. I hate it. Matt is not a fan of taking charge of the birth control himself. That is how we got pregnant with Cullen. I was ready to be a mom and told Matt I was going to stop taking bc pills and if he was not ready then he needed to take other precautions. Three months later and we were pregnant with Cullen. The journey began and I loved every minute of it. Now Cullen is turning 4 on May 9th and Bennett will be 3 August 21st... I just see us being a large family full of love and chaos running around town to the kids events. It is the life I want. Money is not something I really care about outside of having enough to budget our life with but could we swing another? There is no way of knowing when Matt will get his job. Could we bet that he will be working by the time a due date arrived?
I am kind of afraid if I do nothing we will end up pregnant before I have figured out what I really want to do. Like get pregnant by default. Cullen came about by simply letting nature take its course and Bennett was created while I was taking the mini-pill and still nursing Cullen. Unless being in my 30's drastically alters my fertility we could get pregnant fairly easily once more. The other point to ponder (and I know this is probably so boring anyone who thought to read probably has stopped by this point) is what affects does Matt's blood pressure medication have on his fertility if any. I know certain medications can reduce sperm count. Don't know if his does but it could right?
The last reason why I hesitate to just throw caution to the wind is what will my parents say? Funny that here I am 31 years old and worried my parents will get mad at me for considering another child. They have made it clear that in their opinions two kids is totally enough for any family let alone us. They know I've always wanted three or four children and talk negatively about it. They are helping us with Cullen's tuition to preschool. Would they see it as a slap in the face to allow ourselves to get pregnant? I think so. But here is the thing of it all. I will forever regret not having more children if I do not. I don't know if I am able to have more and I don't know how long my time to be able to get pregnant will be. The women in my family tend to have female problems that cause them to stop being able to have babies in their mid-thirties. Basically in my mind I have around three years or so to try to get pregnant without complications arising. That is really not a long time when you have no idea how long it can take to conceive.
I should not care. I should just be happy and content with my two sons and my husband and just live my life. I wish I could let go of the desire to have another baby. I really do wish it was not so hard on my heart. It is hard though. Maybe I am simply selfish in my desires, I probably am, but they are real and tangible. I will probably just go ahead and start taking the pill on Sunday. If I can just wait until the fall then if I got pregnant I would not be due until Cullen was starting k5 and the whole 3 kids in daycare would not be an issue. I think that is the plan that maybe I can live with and my parents can deal with too. Matt loves me and wants more children too, obviously when we are both working this is a no brainer. So there you have it. We will wait a little longer and I will just have to have faith that in the end I do get to have another baby.

Night Out with the Bookies

So anytime we Bookies get together fun will ensue. The purpose of this get together was Tasha's birthday. We met up at Surin and just had a jolly good time. We actually closed down the restaurant... but I would like to point out that they closed early that night so it was like 9:30 pm. If you have never been to Surin either in Southside or 280 you are missing out of some great Thai food and yummy sushi. Love it! That is actually Matt and my favorite place to eat when we get to leave the boys behind. Times are changing for all these great gals.

In the top picture Adrienne is on the right and Missy is on the left. Adrienne just got engaged and will be moving to Nashville once she is married this October. Missy is moving with her husband and daughter to Lubbock, Texas for a fellowship for her husband. In the bottom picture is Tasha to the left and me on the right. Tasha and her husband are moving to San Antonio, Texas for her husband's job. They are all part of our book club and many other of the members are moving too. Let me see, Aimee, Ann, Elliot, Missy, Tasha, and Adrienne are ALL leaving Birmingham. Most are going to places in Texas which given the size of the state doesn't mean they will be close to each other too.  

So now that I have found a great group of girls to be friends with they are all leaving this area and I shall be alone again. I think I am going to take up traveling and taking vacations that lead me to cities where these gals reside. I take friendship seriously and don't want to lose any. Oh well. That is one reason I am going to stay on top of writing in my blog. If people who care want to know they can read my ramblings and get a moment of what it is like to be talking with me. We all know I like to talk and am pretty loud about it. But is that not part of what makes me me? Yup.

Drama

I am not sure what I think about this... When I got the mail after work there was a handwritten note inside my mailbox. My next door neighbor apparently is terrified of our little shih tzus both of which are puppies. We normally would take them out front to run around our yard with the boys. Jude is a whopping 6 pounds soaking wet and Daisy is maybe 3 pounds right now. The note was not nice and quite threatening. She state that if she saw the dogs without leashes she would call the police on us. (what?!!!) She then went to say that she had her old neighbor arrested for having his dog chase her daughter and that she still knew where the police station was. Call me crazy but I think this is extreme. She is scared of them barking too but they don't really bark all that often either. I am a bit puzzled by this. First the petty part of me wants to march over there and explain to her that it is a Federal offense to meddle with someone's mail. I have no way of knowing if she took a bill or something out of my box and that is why it is a crime to get into someone else's mail box. She could have come over to talk with us or left the note on the outside of the mailbox or taped to our front door. She did not even sign her name to the letter but left her address. Dur! So I being slightly ticked and feeling petty still looked up her name by doing a reverse search on whitepages.com and found her name and number. If I was a little less grown up I would have called her. I think I will just do nothing... well we are now trying to train our pups to go on a leash which is a good thing anyway. Just tiny little dogs don't really need walking and we do have the puppy door to the fenced side yard... Anyway silly neighbors thinking we have vicious attack shih tzus.

April Update

Cullen said the cutest or sweetest thing to me last Friday. We were talking about a new teacher at his school and I asked him if he thought she was pretty. He said "A little pretty." That puzzled me so I asked, "Why a little?" His response, "She is not pretty like you are." Okay the moment of truth and I had to ask, "What does that mean Cullen?" He said," You are all pretty Mommy." Well there is my Mother's Day present early. He thinks I am all pretty and the cute girl in college that was subbing that day was a little pretty. Yay for little boys who think their Mommy's are pretty!
My playroom is now organized and the boys are enjoying using their toy bins. The room looks so nice and tidy everyday. Love it! Now if I could find a way to keep the laundry under control. I hate hate hate putting away the clothes and yet if I don't they just sit there. My beloved says he doesn't know where to put the clothes. Ignorance is the excuse for a million men across the world for helping out with household chores. Matt cooks so I will give him credit for that.
Ha! This is cool to me. I actually cut my own hair. It looks cute! I did not butcher myself and that is an accomplishment being that most hair dressers do screw up on my head... don't know why but they do. Anyway yay for taking my hair cutting skills to myself. I do cut the boys and Matt's hair but was always afraid to do my own. Well budgeting took the fear away and there you have it.
Let's see. I am back on Weight Watchers for the last week and a half and am doing a fair job on it. Takes a bit to get used to the journaling and counting and planning but now I feel good about it. Next step is to figure out when to work out and start sweating some weight off! Funny how I just ignored the slow creeping of weight until my clothes started to really hurt they were getting so tight. I think I just refused to really look at myself. Oh well this is life for me.
The boys keep getting bigger and I am so proud of them. Cullen and Bennett are both so smart and playful. Cullen gets shy at school sometimes but warms up pretty quickly. Bennett is ready to go back to school now too but we are waiting for the big job offer to finally hit before we do that. Just can't break the bank while living with one income. Anyway that is all for now. I will try to remember to blog at home so I can post some pictures here and there and look for a new blog do... get tired of the basic stuff that comes with the site.

April Fools Day

I was halfway to work this morning when I noticed I was wearing my shirt inside out. I had to "adjust" in the parking lot of Cullen's school. Bending down in between the car seats so I could not be seen I thought this is funny. Cullen paid no attention to his mommy disrobing either. Like this is normal. Ha!
I was running late this morning and opted to treat us to McDonald's. Coffee for me, chocolate milk for Cullen, a win-win situation. I decided to go with a nice chicken biscuit and got a plain one for Cullen. Off to work we went. I get here and think that maybe it is time to go back to WW land and start counting my points before I gain all the weight back that I worked so hard to lose. (sigh)
My breakfast knocked out 11 points. Well Hell. Fine time to start counting again right? So my glass of wine (or two) after dinner tonight will no longer be on the menu. I don't have the points left. What puzzles me the most about me is that I know if I count the dang points I will lose weight. If I don't, I won't. If I let loose but continue working out I can maintain but if I stop working out I gain. These all make perfect sense... so why do I give up on me or better yet self sabotage?
I know I am under a good deal of stress what with the single income family of four with the mortgage payment meant for a 2 person income... or one really nice income which I do not have. I also know that eating is a way to physically alter how I am feeling. Weird sounding but hear me out. When I eat the feeling of eating and becoming full replaces the feelings of stress and whatever else I am feeling. So apparently I am not in touch with my feelings but am totally in touch with my gut. Bleck.
I refuse to go to the book stores and start strolling down the self help aisle to pick up the latest version of, "Compulsive Eating No More!" I won't be ordering that off of Amazon.com either. I have no urge for my recommendations on the website to be all about over eating and self help dieting...
So without using any self help books or Oprah reruns I have decided to get my life in gear this Spring. I started with getting my home cleaned out and organized. I started with the playroom because well that is where the boys spend most of their time and it also is where the puppies area is as well. All sorts of ways to make a house yucky all in one place. First I ripped out the old carpet and that was quite enjoyable all in itself. I think it was therapy. I was thinking of doing a stain on the concrete but there were too many cracks and bright green paint in spots (don't ask). So I went with vinyl flooring. Those squares you peel the back off and put down. Really love the look of it to be honest especially for the cost. I will post a pick of it soon. We got some shelves and bins and voila! Our kids are actually picking up their toys. They like having a special bin just for the cars, another for the trains, tracks, etc...
So our home is clean, our laundry is under control. Hurrah! I really think how you keep your home is a direct expression of who you are. I want to be organized and warm. That is what I want to be. Now that my home is coming together and I am going to start tackling my yard I think I can start handling my eating once more... It is like I allowed the entire world to overwhelm me in all areas of my life and I am slowly taking it all back. I really do want to live a happy well balanced life and that means I have to make it happen. God gave me everything I need to make it happen and now I just have to do it. So if you are in my neighborhood feel free to drop by anytime, I am totally comfortable with you in my house. No shame! ha ha ha!!!
So to recap: Hello my name is Taylor and I am a crazed eating machine - BUT am in recovery - AND am learning to be organized and not overwhelmed but my household responsibilities. Can I hear a "Tawanda!"

Happiness

Cullen is back in the swing of things with school. He started at Bright Horizons this past Monday and is loving it for the most part. There are of course moments where he thinks it would be more fun to stay home with his Daddy and Bennett but he seems content to play with his new friends. I hope he is able to push through this new found shyness of his too. I was shy at that age. Painfully shy actually. I would hate for my children to feel that way!

But this is life and they are their own people that I am lucky they are my sons. Bennett wanted to go to school this morning too with us. I really hope Matt finds a job soon and they can both get settled back into the routine of school life. I find I am more on top of things when I have to take the boys to school. Their clothes are planned out and I would just die if they left the house dirty or with their hair out of place. When they are home with Matt those things are not really in my control and the boys tend to hang out in whatever Matt grabs which usually consists of t-shirts and sweatpants. This is fine for around the house I guess but I like the boys to be dressed and cute... a perk of motherhood I guess.

This is going to be a BEAUTIFUL weekend and I cannot wait to get out in it! Sunshine and playing outside with the boys is exactly what I need. Mother Nature seriously owes us some great weather and I am glad pay back is taking place on the weekend. I have no problem if the weather is crappy Monday through Friday as I am stuck here in my little cubicle with no sight of the outside world.

My best friend Erin got married last weekend and now my other best friend/cousin is engaged! This is simply a great time in life. People are getting married and friends are having babies... this is what life is about to me. Yay for love and family! Ok must "work" now.

Funerals and Babies

I am at a loss. Matt's grandmother passed away this weekend and tonight is the visitation. I hate visitations. I feel it is so disrespectful to socialize around the body of your loved one. When I die and leave this Earth I really hope people respect my wishes about my funeral and visitation. There will be no viewing of my dead body ravaged by age and maybe disease. No way Jose. What I want is a lovely picture of me in my prime displayed and yes people may gather and laugh and long lost relatives may reunite because of my death. So be it. The difference is that my dead body will not be in the room on display.
I do not want my boys to go to the visitation becuase I feel they are too young to be there. They knew Memaw but are not mourning her passing. They are too young and were not that close to her. The boys being there would be for the comfort of others and I am simply not comfortable with that. This is a two and a half hour visitation. Anything that length of time is simply TOO long for children their age. I would not take them to a church service that long either. I also do not want them to see Memaw like that. Let me be clear. She is not in her body any longer and I do not want my babies to associate what is left behind as her. She is in Heaven with God and her loved ones.
Apparently I am not going to be able to protect my boys from this. Whether I want them to attend is out of my hands. My husband's family are basically demanding they attend and my husband will not say no to them. That is that. I am being bullied at the expense of my children's innocence. I know my opinions are strong on this subject but that is the point. I feel strongly about this and hate the idea of subjecting my children to something I totally do not believe in. I do not want them to be traumatized and it is not like saying,"I told you so" to Matt will make it all better after the fact. If this was one of their grandparents or someone they were close to then I would want them to go if they wanted to in order to help them have closure and go through the mourning process. This is not the case in this situation. Once again I am being strong armed and if I stand my ground I will be the bad selfish daughter in law and wife.
My last hurt over this all and yes this is about my feelings on all of it and I am not currently in the mood to be open to how others feel... Matt agreed with me that it was not appropriate for our boys, 3 and 2 years old, to go tonight. Then once his mother says her opinion on the matter Matt throws me under the bus stating this is my idea alone and he is simply trying to placate me. Grr. He was in full agreement and did not want them to go and yet he could not or would not tell that to his mother. It is me and me alone. Rudeness. I loved Matt's grandmother and I mourn the loss of her all the while happy that she is finally where she wanted to be. She was so ready to leave this world it feel wrong to be really sad about it all. If I made a stink it stinks up the wrong thing. I want to honor Mrs Harris today for the great life she had. Therefor I really have no choice in this but if my babies are hurt by going I will never forgive them for it. There you have it, Taylor Morrison at her best.

Miss Daisy Belle Morrison

This is our little gal who we will be getting in March. Miss Daisy is just as gorgeous as can be! Look at her arched brows and long eye lashes! I think that is what attracted me to this breed first, their eyes. Then their personalities hooked me for life! Fun fun fun.

I've decided to just live my life as I see fit and not worry what others think of me. I guess that is my present from Father Time... I just realize that we have the one life on Earth and I want to live it to the fullest! So I am going to be a hobby breeder and I am going to have more children. There I said it. I want a house full of children and laughter. I know that my husband is out of work and I know that we are just getting by for now but the key is this is just how life is today. Nothing ever stays the same so we just have to enjoy and plan for our future babies with excitement for when the time is right. God provides!

Matt and I have so many plans for our home here in Alabaster and we have committed to living in this house until the boys are in high school. We know the things we are doing around the house will only add so much value for resale but will make our life here so much better! So we are doing it for us while we live here and know that we probably won't see it in the resell. We have re-organized our playroom in to a family room with an area for watching tv with the boys, the doggie room w/ a doggie door to our fenced in yard, and our office. That way we all can be in the same area doing our own things. The divider to the doggie area is not completed and we still want to pull up all the carpet and then do some sort of stain on the concrete... I think that will be a cool look and then we can do area rugs around the office and tv area to help divide the space. Easy clean and low in cost works for us! That way in a few years if we want to upgrade this area we can without issue of covering up the flooring. The doggie wall is easily removed too so if we ever want to change it up it will not leave any permanent marks to the area. The doggie room has a gate that keeps the dogs in and the boys out when needed. It is a great amount of space for the dogs so that they have room to play in doors and go outside when they want. : ) It was my concept and Matt made it happen for me. I still have painting to do in here. For now I've only pulled up the carpet in the doggie area. Matt has his scrap wood leaning against the wall for now too but at least it is back to being a livable space once more!

The next big project is closing in the loft and converting it to the boys bedroom. They are so thrilled to get to finally sleep in their bunkbeds. And then it is time to tackle some fun projects in the kitchen. We are going to just have fun and make this home "just so."

Time to hit the gym.

Why is it that getting back into the routine of working out is so dang hard? Once I get into the rythm I LOVE it. I look forward to my next workout and enjoy trying to push myself to new goals. I loved training for long distance running and want to get back to doing that. These days I am so tired that attempting to get up at 5 am to hit the gym seems crazy. Yet I know once I suck it up and do it I will be loving it and full of energy! So I did pack my workout bag and I am just going to go right after work.

There is a bridesmaid dress that I need to look good in and I have just over a month to make that happen. I think I will struggle with my weight and self image for life, this is just a part of me I guess but I know I will be happier when I stay active and take care of myself. That being said the low carb diet is too extreme for me to stick with. I just have to eat what we have in our home and simply learn to limit and do good portions... So Weight Watchers here we go. I swear this is the only common sense plan that you can follow for life and not lose your mind doing it. You can eat what you want when you want. You just have to stick to your daily allowance... I think of it as a budget.

Anyway, I am going to get back in to my running groove and start lifting weights for the upper body. I really want to look pretty for Erin's wedding. Both of my boys are being ring bearers in the service too and will be wearing little tuxedos... I cannot imagine a more precious sight and really want to look nice to take pictures of us all. Erin has been a wonderful friend and I surely don't want to be captured forever in her wedding album as large. Ugg. Oh well. It could be worse!

Sigh

January is not the most wonderful month of the year. It is cold and the days are short. The holidays are over and you are supposed to be making resolutions and bettering yourself. At work it is busier than normal and the days are long and dreary. My kids are constantly restless because they are cooped inside due to the weather. This January is a bit harder than normal because on top of all that we are dealing with my husband still being out of a job and keeping our kids in the house. This is not an ideal situation for my kids, my husband, or me... We all hate it.
I've got a bad case of the winter blues here and am struggling to stick with my diet plan. I don't know if I am even losing weight either. This is all so very frustrating. Life is really hard sometimes and I am ready for my break please. I am so ready for my husband to be working again and my kids back in school. Pre-school gave my kids something to do with a great routine and friends to play with. They were happy and played out. We got relaxed children who were content to be with us in the evenings and go to bed at a decent time. Now I have wild children who dare to try and stay up until the wee hours of the morning.
Chaos is running my household right now and I have had enough. I don't think I am going to be able to sleep anymore if I can't get my house looking organized and attractive. I need to do what it takes to be actively keeping my kids and house clean. I think I must be a lazy person to let things slide or just put it out of my mind all the time. Here is the thing. I am embarrassed by how my home looks and don't want my friends or family to see it. if that is not a sign that something needs to be done I don't know what is.
Life has a way of changing your plans too. I had planned to be getting pregnant this February with our third and final baby. I don't feel our family is quite complete and am so ready to have this last addition to our family. Now with my two sons going wild and my husband dealing with being unemployed... well you can see it is not an ideal time to think about adding to our family. Part of me wishes I could be like the Duggar family with the 19 children (not in the actual number of kids!) on how they simply trust in God to provide for each child and allowing nature to take its course on how many babies they have. Please note I think this idly and know that there is no way I would want to pregnant every year from now until menopause. That is a bit extreme.
I have one month to be ready for the 1/2 marathon and with my winter blues and everything else I have not had the energy to get back into the gym. I am a total slug currently and feeling it too. I have to get back into running and weight lifting! What is the point of dieting if I am out of shape. Pudgy never looks good at any weight. I need to be toned and in shape. Ugg. I really hate this time in my life and want to fast forward but really is there ever the simple times? I don't think so. Our brains are too complex to just sit back and relax and just let life happen.
Hmmm... Maybe that is what we are to do. Let it happen. Be happy with what you have and just allow the curve balls to keep flying by us. If we never really have control over what comes next what is the point in worrying about it and stressing over it? I can only adjust me not the circumstance I am in really.
Matt is home with the boys and I am at work. This is not going to change until Matt gets a job and there is nothing I can do to make this happen any faster than it is supposed to happen. I need to help my husband more and give him goals to work on with our boys and their development. If I work hard to help make organization happen and work hard to put the boys down at the right time every night I am teaching them structure and maybe giving Matt some relief that I did not realize I needed to do. Maybe changing my attitude can be the catalyst for my family's attitude for now. Nothing stays the same. We have to adjust and keep on and be happy all the same. Life is what it is... a gift.

Brrr Chilly Cold

I left this morning for work praying that I don't get stuck there today. It is going to snow and it is cold enough that everything will freeze instantly and stay through the weekend. While all the schools are cancelled today my company is still open so here I am. I left at the same time as always, 7:10am and instead of getting here somewhere around 7:45am I was here right at 7:30am... so here I sit with not alot to do but obsessively search the weather reports and check out the latest puppies on various shih tzu breeders' websites. I really hope they let us go before it gets so bad. I have never driven in the snow and have no urge to leanr new things today.

I woke up to sweet puppy kisses from Jude and went downstairs to find my husband asleep wrapped in my snuggie on the couch. Apparently last night while trying to keep the fire going he laid down on the couch and fell asleep. Bless his heart. I have to say no man can look anything but cute wrapped up in a leopard print snuggie fast asleep. It was nice getting to talk to him in the morning while the boys slept. Then Bennett got up and I got to have a bit of time to love on him before leaving for work. I miss them in the morning the most becuase when Matt was working that was really a nice time for the three of us together. I'd get up and then wake them up and get us all ready and then I had their company on the commute to the day care. It was quality time on the go.

My diet is doing good. My energy is rebounding some and I will be up and running by Monday. I think I am my biggest asset as well as hinderance when it comes to losing weight and being the woman I want to be. Currantly my mind is made up that I will really lose this weight and therefor day by day I stick with it because I believe in myself... If I doubt me then I give up. So currently I really believe that I will be fitting into my size 10 clothes withint a month or two. I just know I will. I am one of those people that if I really set my mind to do something nothing will stand in my way of accomplishing that goal. Just ask my husband. He will tell you!

Okay, about to get to work and do what I do all day. By the way Roll Tide Roll! I am so excited about the National Championship tonight!!! I am so proud of our boys and cannot wait to watch it all happen. I am wearing red to support my team. No matter the season I am a big Alabama fan.

Ketosis

So I am sticking with eating a low carb diet. Now this to me means cutting out the simple carbohydrates only and still consuming the complex ones and those high in fiber. If you look back to our roots we were hunters and gatherers. Our bodies learned to store extra food as fat that we could save for times when food was lean and then the fat would be used as energy... This is the natural state of our bodies. So eating a diet of lean meats and leafy veggies and berries is really good and puts your body into a natural state of using fats as fuel. The scientific name is ketosis and it really is cool to think that you can use only your fat as fuel and not lose your lean muscle mass.
So each day gets a little easier as your body restructures itself not to crave the sugars and starches you normally consumed. Every day my energy level feels a bit better and I honestly feel leaner... not so fluffy or bloated I guess. Anyway I got these test strips that tell you if you are in the state of ketosis called ketostix and I am in the state. If you google the word ketosis it tells you all you need to know. Basically when your body turns fat into energy anything that you do not then burn will leave your body in your sweat and urine. If you don't stay hydrated this can have a smell so drink water! The cool thing is the once fat now energy that is not used cannot turn back into fat. So seriously it is a win win to me. Take your vitamins and eat your veggies and pass on the rolls. Watch the weight fall off. Easy peasy!
I also have to pick up my training for my 1/2 marathon. My schedule will be hitting the gym Monday thru Friday @ 6am and doing cardio for 60 minutes either on the elliptical or running... have to vary to keep from overdoing it on the running. Saturdays are my long run day and Sunday is a day of rest. I have to do 2 days a week of strength training as well. That I do at night before bed. Just easier that way and I can watch my shows while working out. This is the year I am going to polish up Taylor. It is time!

Plug Outlets

Imagine sleeping soundly in bed only to be awakened by your husband banging about. You ask if something is wrong and he grumbles. You go quiet knowing no fun will be had when he is in a "mood." Plug outlets. What? Apparently for the last 10 years of our sharing a life together Matt has been fuming inside over my choice of which outlet to plug my hair appliances to. Top or bottom.

Have you ever considered which one to plug your hair dryer into? I have not. I did not realize there was some sort of method to doing it right. I assumed that if you plug it in and it turns on all is well with the world. Not so much for Matt. It kills him that I unplug his electric razor to plug in my dryer. He thinks I should simply put mine on the bottom and then replug his in on top. Ok. Weird weird land of man brain here. Apparently all this time it has upset him that I am not SHARING the outlet with his things.

Let me pause and say that we do not get ready at the same time. It never occured to me that I need to SHARE the outlets with someone who is not needing them at the time. In all things that make sense this does not to me. He thinks my logic is broken and that I should be walking into walls because I don't think before I plug. How freaking retarded is this argument? Have you EVER in your life had an argument over something so silly and mundane? He is not in the bathroom why oh why would he care about this?

I could rant and rave for hours I believe over this one because he woke me up to lay into me on this and then I just laid in bed fuming over all the reasons his reasoning are so very flawed. The number one reason is that you are wasting electricity leaving appliances not being used plugged in. You should always unplug once you are done and put away. So the whole thing is me being a good citizen of Planet Earth. Ha ha! So from now on I will make sure that I always do put away all the appliances as a courtesy to him for forgetting and I will forgive him his lack of logic in that one.

SIDE NOTE: It irks me that he leaves things plugged in. That is why I unplug it and put it away. Drives me batty that he leaves his shaving stuff out on the counter every day. The shaving cream can always leaves a rust ring on the counter top and who do you suppose cleans that off? Hmm??? Ok, unlike him I deal with these slight irritations and move on with my life. I do not and have never let them sit and fester under my skin for an entire decade. Again how pointless is that and all the energy wasted on it? I correct what irritates me and move on with my day. If I did not I would probably erupt at 2 am over something stupid like him leaving the phone charger plugged in all the time with nothing charging on the kitchen counter top... grrr. Relax, release, relate. Another day another dummy.

Goodbye Parker

We are taking back Miss Parker... just not going to work out. I feel horrible because I know this is better than where she was but she does not get along with Peanut Buddy. Matt and I have decided that we should just keep looking and eventually add a little girl puppy. Puppies aren't threatening to Peanut Buddy so that should work best. We got over our head in this one. Ugg. I really hate that there are people out there who lock dogs up and just use them for breeding. They get no love or attention or real care. This little two year old has no energy and all the play is gone from her. She has flat eyes. OK. We just are going to take her back and know that she will be fed and cared for until someone else adopts her. You cannot save them all and pets are family members you cannot add a new family member that does not get along with anyone else. Crappers. It is the right choice to take her back. Hopefully someone will adopt her that can give her all the love and attention she deserves. We are a chaotic family and our two puppies are energetic and happy so that is all good. Busy day here. We shall take Parker aka Sparkles back and pray that a family will adopt her and be able to bring her our of her shell. It is just not use. GUILT!!! Well who would I be if I did not feel guilty when you here your son Bennett (2 years old) say I love that dog... I will miss that dog. OK I shall cope and move on.

2010 Resolutions

First and foremost getting my kids to church every Sunday is my number 1 resolution for this year. I have slacked on that just enjoying lazy Sundays with the boys and Matt in the house but I really want to give my kids a solid foundation of faith to take with them through life. How can I be lazy in the most important part of rearing my babies? Anyway I am just going to have to push past my fear of finding a church family and being accepted for the sake of my babies. They are way more important then my fear of new things. I love going to hear my dad preach still but his retirement church is so small and there aren't any programs for kids. Our boys really need a social outlet and what better way to have that than with church friends? Anyway we are going to try out Calera First Church tomorrow I think. It is reasonably close and I have heard good things about it.

Second I am going to finally get to my goal weight this year. I am going low-carb currently (today numero uno) to get to a sweet weight by my best friends wedding in February. My dress fits but would fit better with a good 15 pound weight loss. I also have to pick up with my training for running. I have taken a break and allowing myself to slum around recently and I am getting restless. Monday thru Friday I will be at the gym @ 6am to run or do the elliptical. Saturday is my long run day. The boys love doing weight lifting with me and yoga. Cullen calls it yogurt. Ha ha. I want to show my boys a healthy active way of life. Really want the best for them and it starts with me. So good bye breads, rice, and pasta. Once Erin's wedding is done I will go back to Weight Watchers because that is just smart eating skills. One day I hope to not be obsessed with the way I look but today is not that day.

Thirdly and really the last of my reasonable resolutions is to get my home in order and to learn to keep it in order on a daily basis. This is in combination with keeping myself in order too. IE not going to work with my hair pulled back in a ponytail and no makeup. How you present yourself is important as is how you present your home. I will not go to bed with a dirty home nor without my next day's outfit for work ready to go. I will be showering in the gym and packing my work clothes so that keeps me organized and put together. I have to be the leader here in teaching my kids how to keep a clean home and room. If I cannot do this then I cannot expect them to either. Matt is doing his darndest home all day with the boys to maintain a level of chaos. Not great but really not as bad as it could be. Time will tell the story. I vow to be a better me and that includes a better wife, housekeeper, mother, and career woman. Oh the life of a lady these days!

Shih Tzu Madness

Baby mania has taken Matt and me. But with him at home and our income on the thin side with it being just me working we have turned to puppy dogs for the answer and so far so good! Matt adopted an abused puppy that is about 10 months old or so and I adopted and little shih tzu puppy as seen in the picture. His name is Saint Jude Morrison and he is just a doll. Potty training is going great with this little guy who does his "duty" and then bounds toward you for his praise and loving. But the madness continues as I have delved into my love of this breed I have decided that I want to go into hobby breeding of my own. Jude is our third shih tzu and I don't think I will ever go without having at least one of these pups in my home. I do have to give thanks to Judy from Goldilocks Grooming for Jude. Her website if interested in her dogs is http://goldilocksgrooming.com and I have to say we are 100% happy with our little guy. She should have pups available this February if interested.

I came across a two year old shih tzu for sale from a local kennel and all I can say is that I just had to get her. She never had an owner and spent the first two years of life in a kennel. She has had to beautiful litters of pups and the kennel owner no longer needs her. She has too many dogs currently. We adopted her because well, I could not leave her in such a place. I don't know how people can do that to animals! Shih tzus are bred as companion dogs. To not have an owner and constant human contact is close to torture for this breed. So there you have it. I am going to be the crazy shih tzu lady of Alabaster. No babies but sweet wide eyed puppies.

So my plan is to breed as a hobby for my favorite traits and try to better the breed. My two are both fully AKC registered and my new gal will be bred with Jude this next year once he is mature. I only want to do one or two litters with Parker (originally called Sparkles but that is not a name we could stomach and Parker is close enough to Sparkles that she responds) and then she will retire to being our lovely lady of the manor. Parker is a sweet girl and we are trying to start the potty training process with her. Obviously she is not house broken being she has never been in a home before. She is loving the life and only has had one accident... I think she is holding it until she just can't help herself. I have taken her out with the others and she is absolutely clueless as to what to do in the yard. I am hoping with time and patience she will get into the swing of things. All she wants is to be in your lap and by your feet.

Her hair is in dire need of serious grooming. Hopefully we can get her all prettied up over the next few months. She is a sweet little girl and she deserves a home of her own. Little dogs are so fun and loving. Having a few does not seem overwhelming when they are well behaved. I am loving it. I guess I was in need of a hobby to get my mind off the crappy economy and single income living... we are lucky in love and family and have 2 wonderful little boys that are everything to us. But lets face it I work to live on the weekends and evenings. Time is precious and I aim to do all that I can to be happy in this life. For now that means immersing myself in my boys and shih tzus and teaching them how to be loving to animals.

So we have 3 little dogs now. Peanut Buddy, Jude, and Parker. Now we just have to find our future home out in the country with lots of room for our sons and doggies to romp and play. :)

Update of the Fluffy Monster

It has been a few years since my first and last post. Since then I did actually lose 40 pounds of loveable mommy fluff through weight watchers. Gosh a good deal of things have happened. First I left my job at the Credit Union and stayed home with my sons for 5 months while we tried to sell our home in Tuscaloosa and Matt was commuting to his job in Calera, AL. I loved staying home but we knew it was temporary and August '08 I started working at Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Alabama. Great company to work for and I hope I can move up the career path with this company for the rest of my working career. We bought our new home in Alabaster last spring and have become very happy living here in Alabaster.

Life throws us curve balls constantly though and Matt lost his job this past June '09. We pulled the boys out of day care and he has been the full time Daddy at home since. Now is not a fun time to be looking for a job but Matt stays pretty positive and has been a finalist in 3 really great jobs thus far. We know that the right job will come at the right time and just have to keep on keeping on.

Now to be honest on how I am handling this all. I am not. I am stressed to the max and guilty for different feelings that come about when you are the only one going to work daily. Matt has a special bond with the boys now from being with them all day that I miss out on. I am the first to get up and don't even see the boys until I get home pooped around 5:30pm every day. This has not helped my battle with the bulge either. Finances are stretched and I am just trying to survive. I am not a fan of the stay at home husband and would prefer my beloved to be out of the house working. He is a facebook junky these days bonding with the other stay at home people trying to remain connected to the outside world. I know it is tough on him too. I am just complaining a wee little bit and then I will get over it. Anyway that is all about the update. Oh I have taken up running. Ha ha. I will be doing my first 1/2 marathon This Valentine's Day here in Birmingham. More on that and my training later.