In Between

So after many discussions Matt and I decided to take the IUD out. First of all I was having not fun side effects from it and they were not getting better but worse with time. So Tuesday I had it removed. Do I want to get pregnant? Yes. Do I think now would be the right time? No. How can I responsibly try to get pregnant when Matt is still unemployed and we don't know when he will find a new job? If he was working we'd 100% be trying to conceive Baby III. Gosh I want this baby so badly. I dream of him or her and the longing in my heart is achingly strong. Weird to feel so strongly when I have two beautiful boys already but maybe that is why the feeling is so strong. I know exactly what I am wishing for now. I know the pros and cons and the joys of new life.
The questions now are if we are not going to actively try to conceive are we going to prevent and if so how? I am so sick of birth control methods that put hormones in my body. Makes me feel crazy and like I have no control over my body. I hate it. Matt is not a fan of taking charge of the birth control himself. That is how we got pregnant with Cullen. I was ready to be a mom and told Matt I was going to stop taking bc pills and if he was not ready then he needed to take other precautions. Three months later and we were pregnant with Cullen. The journey began and I loved every minute of it. Now Cullen is turning 4 on May 9th and Bennett will be 3 August 21st... I just see us being a large family full of love and chaos running around town to the kids events. It is the life I want. Money is not something I really care about outside of having enough to budget our life with but could we swing another? There is no way of knowing when Matt will get his job. Could we bet that he will be working by the time a due date arrived?
I am kind of afraid if I do nothing we will end up pregnant before I have figured out what I really want to do. Like get pregnant by default. Cullen came about by simply letting nature take its course and Bennett was created while I was taking the mini-pill and still nursing Cullen. Unless being in my 30's drastically alters my fertility we could get pregnant fairly easily once more. The other point to ponder (and I know this is probably so boring anyone who thought to read probably has stopped by this point) is what affects does Matt's blood pressure medication have on his fertility if any. I know certain medications can reduce sperm count. Don't know if his does but it could right?
The last reason why I hesitate to just throw caution to the wind is what will my parents say? Funny that here I am 31 years old and worried my parents will get mad at me for considering another child. They have made it clear that in their opinions two kids is totally enough for any family let alone us. They know I've always wanted three or four children and talk negatively about it. They are helping us with Cullen's tuition to preschool. Would they see it as a slap in the face to allow ourselves to get pregnant? I think so. But here is the thing of it all. I will forever regret not having more children if I do not. I don't know if I am able to have more and I don't know how long my time to be able to get pregnant will be. The women in my family tend to have female problems that cause them to stop being able to have babies in their mid-thirties. Basically in my mind I have around three years or so to try to get pregnant without complications arising. That is really not a long time when you have no idea how long it can take to conceive.
I should not care. I should just be happy and content with my two sons and my husband and just live my life. I wish I could let go of the desire to have another baby. I really do wish it was not so hard on my heart. It is hard though. Maybe I am simply selfish in my desires, I probably am, but they are real and tangible. I will probably just go ahead and start taking the pill on Sunday. If I can just wait until the fall then if I got pregnant I would not be due until Cullen was starting k5 and the whole 3 kids in daycare would not be an issue. I think that is the plan that maybe I can live with and my parents can deal with too. Matt loves me and wants more children too, obviously when we are both working this is a no brainer. So there you have it. We will wait a little longer and I will just have to have faith that in the end I do get to have another baby.